You are not a simp for respecting another humanbeing

Let’s talk about simps, shall we? Because who likes a simp? Seriously, they’re getting so much hate all over socials and the Net.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, a simp is a silly or foolish person. According to Wikipedia simp is internet slang for “someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in pursuit of affection or a sexual relationship.”

Dictionary.com says: “Simp is a slang insult for men who are seen as too attentive and submissive to women, especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention or activity from them.”

According to me (authority, guru, and expert in humanness-not trying to be humble here), simping holds a close relation to anxious attachments and the anxious-avoidant dance. It’s typical behavior for anxiously attached individuals not to have boundaries or a clear sense of self.

I am not completely done with my fieldwork (after all, I am an anthropologist) on the manosphere and red pill community and everything they believe to be true. But from my initial observations, I’ve concluded that it’s full of former simps. Or, I don’t know, recovering simps.

Who needs respect more?

It always amazes me when I hear someone say that in relationships, women need love, and men need respect. Because, to me, respect is an inherent part of love. You don’t respect me? That must mean that you don’t love me either. 

But also, what respect means is different for everyone. So, if you feel disrespected, you need to speak up. Tell your partner: “It’s important to me to feel respected by you. If you do this, that makes me feel disrespected.” If you have a partner who’s healthy and who loves you, they will do their best to change their behavior. 

If you have an unhealed partner, or they don’t love you like that. They will keep doing the thing that makes you feel disrespected.

How to set a boundary and enforce it

And this is where boundaries become essential. Speaking up is letting them know that this is your boundary. You won’t tolerate being spoken to or treated in a certain way. And you better be willing to enforce your limit. So, ask yourself: Is this a deal breaker for me? If it is, you know you must leave if the behavior continues. That might mean leaving the relationship. Or it means removing yourself from the situation. 

For example, you’re at a group gathering with your partner. And your partner does something that you feel is disrespectful. You let it slide the first time, but you will tell them afterward: “It’s important to me to feel respected by you. If you tell people about what you don’t like about me, that makes me feel disrespected. Please don’t do that again. Otherwise, I will immediately leave the gathering next time.”

So, next time, the same thing happens. You pull your partner aside and calmly say: “When you tell our friends X, that makes me feel disrespected. Last time, I asked you not to do that again. I am going home now.” 

See, another person will only respect you as much as you respect yourself, especially when dealing with unhealthy people. Most healthy people will give you basic respect. But let’s talk about what it means when you don’t respect yourself.

What simping really is

We all dream of that one person who’s willing to do anything for us, right? Or is that just me?

But when we meet that person who will do everything, including give up their boundaries and self, it’s just a major turn-off. Yes, we want someone who will show us their love that way, but we don’t want to feel like we can walk all over them. 

We want someone caring AND strong. (Or, again, is that just me?).

If your partner is a push-over to you. If your partner neglects their boundaries for you. If your partner abandons themself for you, you start to think they would do that for anyone. You don’t want them to be a pushover because it doesn’t make you feel safe. It won’t make you feel like they will protect you against others. 

And that’s where I think people get “simping” wrong. Respecting a woman doesn’t make you a simp. Appreciating a woman does not make you a simp. Loving a woman doesn’t make you a simp, either. Even being kind and doing sweet things for a woman isn’t simping. Neither is being vulnerable.

Neglecting your boundaries and abandoning yourself for a woman makes you a simp. 

But… women don’t like nice guys.

Yeah, nice guy behavior is what makes you a simp. And what I mean by nice guy behavior is neglecting your boundaries and abandoning yourself for someone else. We find the same energy in pick-me women. It’s just a major turn-off. Learn to have an opinion. Learn to be authentic. Learn what it is you like and don’t like in life. Instead of shape-shifting into being someone you think your crush likes.

And I’m talking to myself here. Because I, too, am someone who gives up every boundary, every bit of myself and my own life to make a man love me. To feel seen and loved. You’re too busy to see me? Okay, let me cancel all my plans and sit around and wait for you until you have some time to spend with me. At least my schedule won’t be in the way if I give up everything I have going on. Right?

But is that really what I want? Of course not. I also want a man to make an effort for me. But when I find someone who’s not making an effort and making me feel like I’m not good enough, it’s like I want to prove that, in fact, I am good enough for him. It’s that little girl inside of me who didn’t feel seen or worthy and is now asking for a random, emotionally unavailable guy to give me his stamp of approval. 

The thing is, with my behavior, I’m probably turning him off. And, if he’s a good guy, he will just leave me alone and not take advantage of me. However, if he’s an opportunist, he will take every bit of energy from me until I don’t have anything left. 

Realizing this dynamic also made me understand that I turn him down when a guy shows genuine interest and tries to see me. Not because he’s simping or because I like bad guys. It’s because I get scared as fuck when someone actually likes me. Because people aren’t actually supposed to like me. They’re supposed to make me feel invisible.

That’s what I know and what I’m used to. Love is supposed to be earned, right? At least, that’s what my inner child thinks. 

Healing your inner child through dating

So, I’m now super woke to my feelings when I’m dating. What am I feeling? Why am I scared? Why am I trying to accommodate a man beyond reasonableness? And then I just close in on those feelings. Really try to feel it.

And I talk to myself.

I tell my inner child that it’s okay, that she is good enough. That everyone isn’t for us and that it’s okay. That it has nothing to do with my value and that it has everything to do with compatibility. I am not going for the highly avoidant anymore. I hope to find a securely attached man or a lightly avoidant one. But I must continue to do the inner work to accept that love doesn’t have to mean I need to work my ass off for it and give up who I am.